Steve Elsby's partner Sarah Cunningham died when she had a fit brought on by pre-eclampsia but her unborn daughter survived as did just one picture of them both
Sarah her daughter Sam who she never got to hold
Five years ago Steve Elsby and his partner Sarah were looking forward to the birth of their first child.
But their dreams turns to tragedy when Sarah, 37, suffered a fit brought on by pre-eclampsia and died.
Their daughter Sam was born by emergency caesarean section and since then he has raised Sam alone.
Here he tells his story:
I’m 43 and live in Birmingham with my five-year-old daughter Sam; I’m a full time dad. Before Sam was born I lived in Stoke and worked as an assistant manager at Morrison’s.
It was there that I met Sarah, who is my daughter Sam’s mum.
We’d been together for two or three years, I had just moved in to Sarah’s and we were expecting our first child.
One Monday morning she went into work as usual.
I had unexpectedly got the day off and my parents were visiting so I had lunch with them a couple of pints.
Sarah and I texted each other throughout the day but then she went quiet.
The day she didn’t come home
At about 6.50pm I had a call from the hospital saying she had been on a bus on her way home and had suffered a fit caused by the pre-eclampsia she had been suffering from during pregnancy.
I went into the hospital and was told by doctors that Sarah was in a medically induced coma, but that she would be brought out of it the next day.
They also told me our daughter had been delivered by an emergency C-section.
Unfortunately Sarah didn’t come out of the coma and the next day she passed away.
I was devastated, in shock and angry with everyone - but I had a baby to care for.
Her brother was a big support in those initial days.
As our daughter Sam had been delivered six weeks premature, I spent a lot of time going back and forth to hospital to see her.
I faced a lot of challenges in the first few years of single parenthood.
Firstly, as Sarah and I weren’t married I was unable to register our daughter’s birth – it took over a month to persuade the relevant people I could do it alone.
It can be a lonely job
Then I was threatened by the council that Sam would be taken into care.
I had to go through the court process to claim parental responsibility.
Then just before Sam was diagnosed with brittle bones disease I was accused of abuse, something I had to disprove.
Read more: Mum posts 'truths' about single mums
The first few years were difficult and it can be a hard and lonely job single parenting as a dad. Luckily work were great and really understanding.
I took off the full nine months normally allowed for maternity leave and work were terrific.
I finally managed to meet some other parents through playgroup.
It was initially really hard and it took a long time for me to be accepted by other parents as a single dad. It’s all a bit alien for a man.
It’s important for my daughter that I make bonds with other parents as that in turn helps her to make friends.
I’ve done this by volunteering on school trips. It was easier to befriend parents when their children had already met me.
Children’s centres have also been really useful, and the family officer really helped me in the early days.
Grief Encounter have been a great online support and Dads Network on Facebook is also great for asking questions - there’s a range of dads on there including married men and single dads).
I don’t get much support from family although my parents do live closer now that I am in Birmingham. It’s just me.
In those first few months at times I think I went into survival auto-pilot. It was a simple question of sink or swim.
It was a question of sink or swim
It’s approaching five years since Sarah passed away. The grief will never go away but I've gotten used to it. You just crack on.
Life is much calmer now, Sam is in reception and now that I’ve befriended other parents she gets invited to playdates and parties.
I would still say that single parenting is the hardest job in the world especially if you’re shy and retiring as I am. It can feel very isolating. But it is also the loveliest job out there and incredibly rewarding.
My advice is to ask for help and talk to other parents.
One of the biggest changes for me was realising how many dads are single parents through their partner dying - it made me realise I wasn't alone.
Stigma still makes single parenting tough. It’s also hard to get out and socialise when you’re raising a child alone. As a single dad I’m also facing new challenges, being able to do my daughter’s hair being one of them.
When Sarah was in hospital the staff took a picture of her with Sam and it's a picture we treasure.
I always tell Sam her mum is up in the sky looking down on her.
Rose Stone, from the Gingerbread charity which supports single parents, said: “Single parents do a brilliant job, but paying the bills and juggling work and family life on your own can be hard. Being a single dad can bring a number of challenges, but Gingerbread offers help and support.
“This Father’s Day, Gingerbread has launched a new advice page, with guidance on everything from separation, to emotional health and support from other single parents, as well as some powerful stories from a just a few of the fantastic father’s out there.”
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